Head Trauma Top Ten
Mob Boss Car Accident

Head Trauma Induced By - Crane left in "low-loading" position by careless dock workers.
Long-Term Effects - Walking difficulties. Frank tends to tip forward unless a series of counterweights are attached to the back of his head.
Advantages - Although he has a bad back, Frank no longer needs assistance hauling groceries to his car.
Disadvantages - Since the accident, Frank has been unable to correct his golf swing.
Where Are They Now - Frank was forced out of La Cosa Nostra in 1978 as the organization has a strict "Fuck You, You're Handicapped And We Could Give A Shit" policy. He currently resides in San Francisco.

Psycho shovel murder

Head Trauma Induced By - Violent application of coal shovel to brain pan.
Long-Term Effects - Ringing in left ear. Fear of sitting in chairs.
Advantages - Able to balance a tray with tea, scones and finger-sandwiches on the back of her head.
Disadvantages - Has lost confidence in her ability to read the future in tea leaves.
Where Are They Now - After the brain injury, Ms. Spool underwent a personality change. Friends who remember her as an "old bitch," say she became a "conniving, old bitch." She died in a mountain climbing accident in 1987.

Agent Head Shot

Head Trauma Induced By - Mossberg 500 Cruiser fired two to three feet from face.
Long-Term Effects - Constantly fighting colds and flus. Large, gaping hole in forehead seems to attract drafts even during the summer months.
Advantages - The gym where Chance was shot provided a free 5-year membership after he amended his report to say the incident occurred at a nearby Office Depot.
Disadvantages - Can no longer work under-cover without the aid of a guide dog.
Where Are They Now - After taking forced retirement, Chance joined the U.S. Border Patrol.

Medieval Head spiking

Head Trauma Induced By - Pickaxe embedded in skull by Scottish patriot.
Long-Term Effects - Speech impairment. Difficulty removing helmet.
Advantages - Pressure on the parietal cortex led to a stream of creative and revolutionary ideas on medieval social structure, religion, architecture, medicine and art.
Disadvantages - Subject unable to communicate ideas due to speech impairment.
Where Are They Now - Discharged from army in 1297. Subject returned to family farm in Yorkshire where he was tethered to a plough until his death in 1310.

Reanimated Head

Head Trauma Induced By - Snow shovel whacking, decapitation and subsequent re-animation.
Long-Term Effects - Persistent cough. Erectile dysfunction.
Advantages - When flying with a companion Dr. Hill may be checked as a carry-on. This has saved him a great deal of money, though on one international flight he was forced to spend 13 hours in an overhead luggage bin.
Disadvantages - On two consecutive years, Dr. Hill's family accidentally placed him in the oven at Thanksgiving.
Where Are They Now - Currently touring as a guide with the "Body Worlds" exhibition.

Werewolf decapitation

Head Trauma Induced By - Werewolf exiting porn cinema at high speed.
Long-Term Effects - Surgeons were able to re-attach Villiers' head, but he was left in a vegetative state. Each full moon. he transforms into a large, hairy beast with minimal motor reflex response and a fixed, listless expression.
Advantages - No longer cares that he married and stayed with the wrong woman for forty years.
Disadvantages - Villiers had just pieced together the clues needed to find a missing child when he unexpectedly had his head chewed off. Sadly, he left no legible notes on the case.
Where Are They Now - Royal Veterinary College, London.

Psychic Body Explosion

Head Trauma Induced By - Energy pulse directed by grief-stricken, menstruating, adolescent female psychic.
Long-Term Effects - Difficulty swallowing. Prone to tummy upsets.
Advantages - Ability to multi-task has improved significantly.
Disadvantages - Difficulty maintaining eye contact during conversations.
Where Are They Now - Mr. Childress retired after a forty-year career as a creepy government agent. He now works part-time as a creepy security consultant in the private-sector and is occasionally asked to provide creepy advice on a variety of top-secret creepy government projects.

Head explosion

Head Trauma Induced By - Excessive scanning.
Long-Term Effects - Total loss of sight in right eye. Fear of Michael Moriarty.
Advantages - No longer self conscious about frontal balding.
Disadvantages - Lost $400 deposit with Hair Club For Men due to last minute cancellation.
Where Are They Now - Without a brain, Jeremy lost his scanning abilities and was forced to leave CONSEC. Fortunately, he was able to secure a position at a right-wing think tank in Washington, DC.

Tree trunk head squishing

Head Trauma Induced By - Log travelling illegally at high-speed in the wrong freeway lane.
Long-Term Effects - Ongoing neck pain. Susceptible to fungal infections.
Advantages - If Burke decides to have children he will be eligible for a grant from the U.S. Forest Service.
Disadvantages - Constant attention from squirrels and woodpeckers make it difficult to sleep.
Where Are They Now - Burke remains with the State Police, though he has been restricted to light office work. He hopes to return to active duty later this year, after mill workers whittle the log on his neck stump to a more manageable size.

Gothic Spire Head Crush

Head Trauma Induced By - Impact of ornate gothic church spire.
Long-Term Effects - Unable to retain telephone numbers... or any other kind of numbers, letters, symbols, etc.,.Unable to retain telephone numbers... or any other kind of numbers, letters, symbols, etc.,.
Advantages - Tim can apply to have his head listed as a "National Heritage Site."
Disadvantages - Tim can't shake the nagging feeling he's had religion forced upon him.
Where Are They Now - Although a vegetable, Tim is a popular figure on British Television and has helped inspire many youngsters to take an interest in architecture and history.

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