SLIDESHOWS

WARNING

All Of The Stills That Follow Are From Movies.
Hopefully, You’ll Laugh…
But There’s Always A Slight Possibility You’ll Throw Up

Vesper drowns

Fatal Mistake - Entering an elevator during a major action sequence.
Cause Of Death - Overwhelming feelings of guilt combined with shoddy Venetian building practices lead to drowning.
Advantages - Inability to speak underwater leads to Vesper's first successful relationship. No more dry cleaning bills. Hair always looks fantastic.
Disadvantages - Vesper misses the tablet computer revolution.
Where Are They Now - Vesper remains in Venice as the freight cost of sending a woman, an elevator and a tank of river water overseas is prohibitively expensive.

Impossible Surprise Murder

Fatal Mistake - Trusting John Voight.
Cause Of Death - Beautiful, yet unexpected European Art Deco elevator detail perforates Jack's skull.
Advantages - Now a radio receiver, Jack never misses "This American Life."
Disadvantages - Strangers often reach for him when they need a steel ruler, bread knife or something to poke something with.
Where Are They Now - Jack works at Hot Dog on a Stick, the only franchise with a uniform capable of hiding the metal shard protruding from his head.

Zombie elevator bouffet

Fatal Mistake - Dynamo Vinyl is on 4, but Stephen hits the wrong button.
Cause Of Death - Biting, chewing and gnawing by the living dead. Reanimated by a virus that creates metaphors for excessive American consumption.
Advantages - Shirt is ruined... but it was a Christmas gift he hated.
Disadvantages - Able to shop without distraction, though minimal brain function means he misses the best bargains.
Where Are They Now - Attracted by noise, Stephen is slowly moving toward the kitchenware department to investigate a dropped spatula.

Gosling Head Crush

Fatal Mistake - Assuming you're riding with that nice kid from "The Notebook."
Cause Of Death - Gosling's need to show his Stacey Adams Madison boots in a pushy, head-obliterating way to someone with little interest in fashion.
Advantages - Unable to work, Tan Suit is able to provide for his family as LACMA acquires his "fucked up head installation" for an obscene amount of money.
Disadvantages - Peripheral vision compromised.
Where Are They Now - Tan Suit remains at LACMA, but will travel on exhibit to Europe this fall.

Omen II Doctor Death

Fatal Mistake - Ignored screeching satanic music as he entered elevator.
Cause Of Death - A weighted steel wire slices Dr. Kane in half. This prototype safety feature along with 4 pressure sensitive explosive wall plates have since been removed by the elevator manufacturer.
Advantages - Able to explain gastric issues to patients with great clarity.
Disadvantages - Missed early eighties break dance revolution.
Where Are They Now - Dr. Kane's legs left with his wife 2 weeks after the accident. His torso and head remain bitter and single

Fly II Head Squish

Fatal Mistake - Pausing to consider a question while lying in a pool of oil under a rapidly descending elevator
Cause Of Death - Freight elevator comes to rest on a soft part of the skull resulting in traumatic brain injury... also known as a "squishing."
Advantages - Shirt collars no longer feel tight.
Disadvantages - Cannot eat out unless he's followed by an assistant with a mop.
Where Are They Now - Unwilling to work with any kind of insect/human hybrid, Hargis discovers this excludes him from almost all corporate jobs.

Supernatural Bloodbath

Fatal Mistake - Failure to ask more probing questions at the job interview.
Cause Of Death - Guards disemboweled by supernatural entities upset they were forced to ride in an overcrowded elevator then let off at the wrong floor.
Advantages - Burial costs minimized as the dead were mopped up and a single large sponge interred.
Disadvantages - Guards required to pay for damage to uniforms
Where Are They Now - After being devoured and partially digested, many of these men still find it difficult to prepare resumes and attend interviews.

Costigan Head Shot

Fatal Mistake - Billy was the only honest person in South Boston. Locals felt this was an excessive number.
Cause Of Death - A .40 S&W round fired point blank into Billy's head causes him to fall down and be dead.
Advantages - Billy is now able to enjoy reality TV.
Disadvantages - Often mistaken for Indian deity as wound looks like a third eye.
Where Are They Now - Billy's difficulties speaking, reading and forming ideas result in a promotion to Commander of Boston's Police Anti-Corruption Unit.

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