MUG OF THE MONTH
Jones watches, wide-eyed with surprise and wonder, as a nine-foot tall alien savages Harry Dean Stanton.
Does this mean there won’t be any more tuna?
JONES… WHY YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?
Stanton pursues Jones into a vast, dimly lit room on “C” deck.
The three mammoth towers suspended from the ceiling are part of the ship’s cooling system,
though for unknown reasons the one of the left dispenses snacks and ice-cold soft drinks.
Stanton is dumbstruck.
They’ve been paying a maid to come in twice a month
and it looks like the bitch has never even been in here.
This is what happens when you leave a tap running
then enter a twenty-four month hypersleep.
Stanton is one of the few people whose appearance cannot be improved by washing and grooming.
Stanton freezes when sees the shape of the Virgin Mary on a grimy metal cowling,
but pushes on after realizing it looks more like an onion bagel.
Jones is cornered and very, very unhappy.
Last time this happened, he woke up in a veterinary office with his balls missing.
Stanton finds it’s amusing that the small creature is so skittish.
In a moment, he’ll understand the cat’s position with remarkable clarity.
Jones has seen “Paris, Texas” and is terrified of establishing
any kind of relationship with Stanton.
Stanton suddenly remembers he left his car back on earth parked in a “Two Hour Zone.”
That was three years ago.
Behind him, a huge alien drops unnoticed from the ceiling.
From ten to twelve feet away the head of this species is commonly mistaken for a large, unripe eggplant.
By the time most people get close enough to recognize that they’re not approaching
a huge, prize-winning vegetable any possibility of escape has passed.
If this alien has an appetite like ALF he could be in considerable danger.
What a moment to figure out you need glasses.
This goddamn thing is just a blur up close. Still… I guess that means I’ll only need them for reading.
According to a wall chart at my dentist’s office
this is what 4th stage gingivitis looks like.
This is Stanton’s lucky cap.
And it looks like the alien wants the cap. I say, “Give it the cap. Okay? A cap… you can replace.”
Maybe it’s not such a great idea to be inside the cap right now.
Many trauma victims speak of a painful awakening that leads to a fundamental shift in their view of life.
Of course, this only occurs when the learning center of the brain has not been eaten.
It’s funny how everyone looks silly when an enormous hole has been punched in their skull.
It’s just one of those things.
Severe brain injuries are often accompanied by radical personality changes.
Stanton is viewed by the crew as someone who’s quick to reject help and slow to admit mistakes.
Yet here his is… waving for assistance.
Later, the creature discovers that you can get the clap just from eating someone
who’s been with a five-dollar whore.
The Original Little Witness – May’s Mug Of The Month