MUG OF THE MONTH
Starman Jeff Bridges attempts a human smile and creates a disfigurement so memorable
he was nominated for an Academy Award.
JEFF… WHY YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?
Upset over a remark made over breakfast, a teary-eyed Karen Allen grips the wheel
and stares silently into space. Bridges has never been with an earth woman and is unaware that
he should know what he’s done wrong just by looking at her.
As Bridges pops “Jefferson Starship” into the cassette deck
Allen asks how an advanced alien race can have such shit taste in music.
The conversation turns to relationships and Bridges becomes morose as he remembers
the last time he got laid was on a planet ruled by apes.
Karen Allen reveals why her first marriage failed.
With the apes it wasn’t even consensual.
Changing the subject, Bridges launches into a description of the tallest natural structure
on his home planet; a mountain range that’s constantly tripped over.
As Bridges fumbles through the glove compartment, Allen points out that she has prescriptions
for every one of the half-dozen bottles of Valium that spill onto the floor.
Allen’s wallet flops open, revealing a list of embarrassing self-affirmation slogans.
“What does it mean… ‘My ass is the size God intended it to be’?” asks the puzzled Starman.
Bridges is momentarily distracted by a tattoo on the back of Allen’s hand.
From his viewpoint it’s either a cocktail glass or two gymnasts engaged in fellatio.
Allen’s license shows that she’s required to wear glasses while operating an automobile.
Although Bridges won’t say anything, it will bother him for the rest of the trip.
Bridges leans forward, showing Allen how Supercuts completely
fucked up the mullet he’d been growing.
Bridges is caught off guard by Allen’s question, “Will humanity survive?”
Although this defense has protected Allen from flashers, roadside accidents and the opening of the
Ark of the Covenant, it proves useless against Bridges’s idiotic smile.
Bridges tries to lighten the mood by describing how lovers kiss on his home planet;
an activity that leaves the most affectionate couples with huge facial wounds.
Allen attempts to rearrange Bridges’s cap as she explains the age-old rule
that the farther back it sits on his head the more inbred he looks.
Bridges reminds Allen how well the “you need to change” technique worked on her first husband.
The Face Mankind Has Waited For – June’s Mug Of The Month