BLINDSIDED
THE FOURTH KIND
Starring – Milla Jovovich, Elias Koteas, Will Patton & Corey Johnson
Going Nowhere – November 6th, 2009
Exactly how are they getting that kid out the window? Or are they planning on taking him out in liquid form through the radiator?
These are definitely not the same aliens that helped me when I locked my keys in my Honda Civic.
“There Are Four Kinds Of Alien Encounters. The Fourth Kind Is Abduction.” I’m not sure I’d describe “abduction” as “an encounter.”
It’s a little like referring to a gun fatality as “the day a bullet happened by.”
GOING THE DISTANCE
Starring – Drew Barrymore, Justin Long & Christina Applegate
Falling Short – August 27th, 2010
“A Comedy About Meeting Each Other Halfway” – What a great tagline. Who can’t relate to the give and take needed to make a relationship work? So… why is he carrying her?
If he’s really a Mac, shouldn’t everything just work?
Still… in a rocky relationship you’d worry less if you knew your guy couldn’t get viruses.
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
Starring – Rooney Mara, Daniel Craig & Stellan Skarsgard
Date Book/Subtitles No Longer Need To Be Read – November 9th, 2012
Although an early design, it’s clear the target audience are moviegoers aged 20-30 who shop at American Apparel.
“Evil Shall With Evil Be Expelled” makes no sense… unless they’re referring to the entire “remake genre.”
I guess this answers the question, “How do you sell a character wary of men, unwilling to be possessed, and wholly resistant to sexual objectification.”
THE GRAVES
Starring – Clare Grant, Jillian Murray & Tony Todd
Mistakenly Exhumed – January 29th, 2010
If you’ve ever wondered why distributors use different posters overseas, take a look at this one-sheet for “The Graves.”
The average American catching a glimpse of this fly-encrusted, head-turner knows the price of a ticket will buy them 90 minutes of beautiful teens pouting, whining, screwing and then being hacked to pieces.
In Third World countries, most people will assume this young woman has just “finished a really good meal” and expect a
movie along the lines of “Julia & Julia.” When they discover they’re watching a low-budget knock-off of “The Hills Have Eyes” they may riot, or worst, demand a refund.
