Starring – Kiera Knightley, Jude Law & Aaron Johnston
Steam-Driven Metaphor Arrives – November 9th, 2012
“You Can’t Ask Why About Love” – would be an awesome tagline for a movie where Keira Knightley falls for a mildly-retarded, street-vendor named Dennis. Seems a bit out of place for Tolstoy.
A request to locate the home close to public transportation, results in a house built in the center of a commercial railroad track.
A design choice that mirrors the immense aspirations and tragic limitations of Communism.
Russian Feng Shui is more practical than spiritual. This furniture has been carefully arranged in a style known as “готовый гореть” which loosely translates as “ready for burning.”
Starring – Vanessa Hudgens, Alex Pettyfer & Mary Kate Olsen
Date Vanessa’s Heart Closes – March 18th, 2011
Love is not only ugly; it’s scarred, deformed, eyebrow-less, a tad femme and a major Cure fan.
I’m not saying these two couldn’t be together, but it would require a solid plan, a large amount of duct tape and a warehouse rented under a false name.
Get ready for the most vomit-inducing trailer since “Alvin And The Chipmunks.”
Clear your desk of paperwork and any office supplies that might melt if spattered with digestive juices. Enjoy.
CRAZY ON THE OUTSIDE
Starring – Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver & Jeanne Tripplehorn
Released Into Society – November 9th, 2012
Judging by Sigourney Weaver’s face, the props people have invented a form of glass that takes 30 years off anyone standing behind it. Even if the film tanks, I think the glass will be a huge commercial success.
When the title of a comedy comes in the form of a rubber stamp, it’s a kind of guarantee the movie will suck ass. Remember “Accepted” or “Next Day Air”? Neither do I. The only known exception to this rule is “Top Secret” (1984).
I was quite moved when I realized that Tim Allen is actually trying to prevent his fellow actors from being in “another crap Tim Allen movie.” And he’s directing it. Robin Williams has never been been this selfless.
Starring – Sylvester Stallone, Jason Stratham & Dolph Lundgren
Expending On – August 13th, 2010
What the fuck is up with Stallone’s lip?
“The Expendables” was shot in South America, so it’s possible he was stung by a giant, agitated, jungle hornet, but if this had happened I’m sure I would have read about it on the internet.
It could be steroids, but why would anyone inject and work out only their lower lip?
The flesh on the top half of his face seems to be rejecting the flesh on the bottom half. Why would it wait all these years? I’d love to hear from anyone in the medical or veterinary field with a theory.
This image was scrutinized at countless marketing meetings and has probably been through Photoshop a few times. Imagine what the original lip looked like.