FEATURES

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Age – 0100010, but friends say I look 011100

Location – Los Altos, CA. 

Relationship Status – Awaiting instructions

Looking For – Serious players

Body Type – Semi-luminescent schematic.

Sports – I’m not sure it has a name. On the grid we call it “frisbicide.”

Smoke or Drink – I will smoke if played with for too long.

Tattoos – I have a small Activision logo on the inside of my left thigh and the phrase “Prepare Yourself.”

My Best Feature is – I’ve been told that for a hundred thousand lines of code I have “phenomenal tits.” I have no idea what this means.

What I Do – I do what I have been programmed to do. Is it different in your world?

What I Make – As software, I would need to be fully loaded before I could answer that question.

Faith – Unix based. I have a cousin who believes strongly in Windows NT, but he appears to be retarded.

Education – I was home schooled by two teenage virgins in a garage in Los Altos, California.

Politics – Our system is like the one employed in North Korea except instructions come from a dual core CPU instead of a fat, balding tyrant.

Interests – None really… but I’m not disinterested in anything either. I think balance is important.

What Was The Last Book You Read – The DaVinci Code. A totally misleading title. Very disappointing.

What Was The Last Film You Saw – The Incredible Hulk. I was certain a reboot would clear up any problems, but I was wrong.

How Do I Feel About Kids – How many quarters do they have?

How Do I Feel About Pets – I’d never date one, if that’s what you’re asking.

How Would Friends Describe You – I don’t know. I’ve never been part of an integrated circuit.

Describe Your Place – It looks a lot like “Battle Zone,” but with shoes everywhere.

Why Should I Meet You – I enjoy being used.

If You Could Be Anywhere, Where Would You Be Right Now – A more permanent storage medium. I’m not looking to settle down, I just don’t want to be accidentally erased.

What Was The Worst Lie You Ever Told – I am unable to lie, but I once created a root error and crashed when a user attempted to undress me during a game of Tic-Tac-Toe.

Sexual Turn-Ons – Anyone with power.

Sexual Turn-Offs – I am backwards compatible, but I find this whole idea disgusting.

Where Is The Strangest Place You’ve Had Sex – Inside an Atari 2600 “Missile Command” game cartridge.  It was hot, and cramped, and the graphics caused my partner to have erectile problems.

•  Told me up front that she needed to be saved and expected me to do it.

•  Pointed to a complete stranger in the coffee shop and asked if I’d like to try “two-player” mode.

•  Stated she loved losers, because they would throw money at her trying to get to the next level. I found this insulting.

•  Asked if it would be okay if a call center in New Delhi handled any problems that cropped up in our relationship.

•  Gleefully reminded me every five minutes that my trial period was ending, but I could purchase her for only $14.99.

•  As we left, she asked if I was sure I wanted to leave without saving her. At that point I just walked away.

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