FEATURES

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Age – 34 most days.

Location – Mendocino Woodlands, CA.

Relationship Status – Currently in heat.

Looking For – Someone to mount me.

Body Type – Athletic and attractive. Hirsute and on all fours, two to three nights a month.

Sports – Any activity where a ball, stick, or frisbee is thrown.

Smoke or Drink – No. I get pleasure out of damaging other people’s bodies, not my own.

Tattoos – I passed out one night and woke up to find the US Fish and Wildlife Service had tattooed an identification number on my right ear.

My Best Feature is – Guys say I’m a good listener.. It’s true, I can hear sounds from five to six miles away.  The funny thing is, I have absolutely no interest in what men have to say.

What I Do – Make jewelry from teeth and bones.

What I Make – N/A. Money’s the last thing you’ll worry about if we hookup.

Faith – Christian. Just kidding… though, God knows, I’ve eaten everything but the body of Christ.

Education – Forced to leave UCLA as they only allow service animals on campus.

Politics – I was a Republican, but the party’s so full of freaks right now, I feel like I no longer fit in.

Interests – People who won’t be missed, and I don’t know if this is an interest, but I really enjoy beating the shit out of anyone I see reading one of the Twilight novels.

What Was The Last Book You Read – Taming Your Gremlin. A self-help book. It’s about reining in that inner voice that says “You’re not good enough” or “Stop killing.”

What Was The Last Film You Saw – Life of Pi. Total rubbish. You put a small Indian boy and a starving Bengal tiger on a boat and I guarantee the result will not be spiritual growth.

How Do I Feel About Kids – I threw up the first time I had one. I don’t really like the taste.

How Do I Feel About Pets – The same way most people feel about slavery.

How Would Friends Describe You – A bitch. I guess that’s accurate.

Describe Your Place – Spacious, unfurnished, dank, and littered with shoes and human bones.

Why Should I Meet You – I will make you dinner.

If You Could Be Anywhere, Where Would You Be Right Now – Tearing into Liam Neeson’s chest cavity.

What Was The Worst Lie You Ever Told – I once told a lover that I was incapable of change. Then I did, and I tore him to pieces.

Sexual Turn-Ons – Nice teeth, surprise gift of an elk carcass, and a willingness to groom me.

Sexual Turn-Offs – Vegans, foreplay, and any sex toy that resembles a long silver bullet.

Where Is The Strangest Place You’ve Had Sex – L.A. County Zoo. I was horny. The bars were closed.

•  Urinated on the leg of our table at Bar Noir, then explained it away as “a need to set boundaries.”

•  Had a slight moustache.

•  Rambled on and on about all kinds of New Age crap.

•  Attempted to consume me after sex.

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