FEATURES

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Age – 54

Location – Sherman Oaks, CA.

Relationship Status – Bitter and alone.

Looking For – Someone to sin with/against

Body Type – Small, compact and asexual.

Sports – I adore the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Fingers crossed the show will evolve to a point where they feed Christians to wild animals.

Smoke or Drink – I smoke if splashed with holy water. Just kidding. I’m afraid I’ve little time for petty vices.

Tattoos – I bear the mark of the beast, but it’s easily covered with casual clothing.

My Best Feature is – Some of the men I’ve had groveling at my feet mentioned that I have shapely ankles.

What I Do – Currently seeking work as a nanny. Prior experience as a midwife, defrocked nun and AT&T customer service representative.

What I Make – A redundant question, as any bond we form will cost you everything.

Faith – I haven’t found Jesus, though I’m ever watchful. According to the Book of Revelation, the Christ child should be nine or ten by now. If you’ve an address, please email me.

Education – Enough to know I can get whatever I want without the production of a high school diploma.

Politics – I’ll support any old fool that pushes mankind closer to extinction. Sarah Palin looks fit for the job.

Interests – I’m quite active in my local church. Mostly at night when there are no witnesses.

What Was The Last Book You Read – Eat, Pray, Love. I hated it, but scanning other women’s profiles it appears this was the only book everyone with a vagina read last year.

What Was The Last Film You Saw – The Notebook. I keep coming back. I could sit and watch those characters suffer all day.

How Do I Feel About Kids – I’d need to know who sired the child.

How Do I Feel About Pets – Attack dogs and crows rank highly. Everything else, I’d happily see roasted on a spit.

How Would Friends Describe You – I don’t have friends. I see no point in cluttering my life with things I’ve little use for.
A Catholic priest once pointed me out in church and called me “that great whore of Babylon who decieveth the whole world”. Not sure if that helps.

Describe Your Place – Simple, lightly furnished, a few books and an inverted cross on the wall in each room.

Why Should I Meet You – Like all women I want your soul. Just kidding. I hope you can tell I have a sense of humor.

If You Could Be Anywhere, Where Would You Be Right Now – Golgotha. 33AD. Throwing stones.

What Was The Worst Lie You Ever Told – Your boy is not the son of the devil.

Sexual Turn-Ons – Anything that debases or degrades the human form. “Crocs” are a good example.

Sexual Turn-Offs – Even the smallest expression of love or affection.

Where Is The Strangest Place You’ve Had Sex – The graveyard at Cerveteri on the outskirts of Rome. Not all that exotic, but memorable as I was having sex with a jackal.

•  Arrived in a Hummer.

•  Dressed like a Goth version of Nanny McPhee.

•  We had zero chemistry. I found her about as sexually appealing as an end table.

•  Spoke passionately about the rise of Satan, but showed little interest in discussing the arts or current events.

•  Howled with laughter as she described her younger sister’s six-year battle with cancer.

•  Howled with laughter as I spoke about the loss of my parents.

•  Mentioned she was a fan of “So You Think You Can Dance.”

•  Casually asked if “deformed genitals would present a problem.”

•  Gave the impression she was a heartless, manipulative, sadistic bitch. Women with these traits make poor partners.

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